Log From Last Month

(Name Withheld)

Well, here it is, July 3rd already and I have some real news for you.  I took my first trip out in 14 years yesterday and it was an awesome journey.  When I returned I completed a log of what took place.  Here it is:


Very early this morning I got up and learned that the trip would be briefly delayed due to an <city> hospital trip.  This did not bother me at all.  From about 6:30 a.m. until we left at 11 :30 my thoughts were of not wanting to do anything wrong and to not get <Dr. R> or <C> mad at me.  Prior to leaving I felt very anxious and nervous, to the point of my entire body quivering with nervous tension.  I went outside to pray and to meditate a bit and that helped calm me down so I was almost normal again.  I thought of the women and children that I knew I would see and felt anxiety, worrying that the old feelings of arousal would arise. I mentally re-affirmed my decision to be brutally honest and to tell them of any thoughts of an improper nature.

<C> went to the bank and moved funds into checking and brought me back $100.00 to use during the trip.  When I was outside watching him leave for the bank I felt a thrill of excitement run through me and wondered how much the money had changed in these past 14 years.  I was also feeling pleased that I finally was getting the blue jeans.

While <C> was gone, Dr. R> got me the clothes that my attorney had given me, so I wore those and they fit nearly perfectly.  I thought they looked sharp and that they felt smooth and fresh on me.  I then decided to wear them out and did so.

At 11 :30 we left the unit and I learned that we would be going out through the intake, which led to a feeling of disappointment.  For whatever reason I had believed and hoped that we would go out the main entry.  Later I learned that the reason had something to do with count problems.  This I could understand to a point, but there are easy ways to resolve that.  Anyway, as we left I felt ecstatic.  I also felt nervous and a bit scared.  It was strong enough that I asked if we could go someplace to walk around first so I could get a bit used to the sounds and the depth perception.  Leaving had taken a few minutes so when we arrived at the <Park> it was near noon.  When we began walking I could see and hear many children and braced myself against any unwanted thoughts and urges.  I was pleasantly shocked to discover there were none.  I did look at them briefly as we went past and I allowed myself to look at the child's entire body, rather than just above the waist, simply to see if any response would begin and none did.  I did this going into and out of the park, without being obvious about it.  I spoke openly about this to <C> and Doc so they would advise me if this was what I should do and it was.  I continued this throughout the entire trip without one single incident of improper thought.  I did find one lady extremely arousing but tried not to sexualize her.  I think that I did though, because as we passed a Victoria's Secret lingerie shop I told <R> she would have looked good in that stuff.  We arrived at the mall and walked right into the place and stood in line, waiting to get into the <Restaurant>.  While in line I was really feeling the impact of the noise, space and movement.  Kids were running, crying, people were moving around behind me and in front of me in the restaurant and all the time I was watching to see how people ahead of me were proceeding.  I felt curious about the entire process.  I kept looking at the back wall mirror and it was messing with my head, making me dizzy, so I finally used some self talk to calm down and then re-focused on another area.  This helped and I was able to continue with no further difficulty.  I saw many children around and right in front of me but I still experienced no form of arousal or fantasy.  As we sat there eating I noticed my hands were slightly shaking.  This disappeared shortly as the meal progressed and I was fine after that.  I was utterly shocked when Doc first got up to get more food and then <C> did, leaving me alone at the table.  What this told me is that they simply trust me and had no problem going off to get more food.  While we sat there eating, a family came in and sat to the side behind us.  They had a boy about 2 years old who was crying.  I thought at first how I wished he would quit and then I wondered what was wrong with him.  I experienced an urge to hold and comfort him, I did not like hearing his unhappiness.  Shortly after this I saw two colored ladies come in and I found myself thinking that the one in the back was gorgeous.  I found her to be exciting and sensuous. After that we left for the tour of the mall. People were everywhere and there were kids of every description.  I noticed one girl about 9 wearing purple spandex that were form fitting and clearly outlined her buttocks.  I noticed this, but did not have any form of deviant thoughts.  My only thought regarding her is that it is a shame her parents allow her to wear that in a crowded mall.  We continued on to sears where <C> looked at a riding mower.  Grills off to the side caught my eye so I wandered over to look at those.  No one freaked out because I had moved away.  I believed they trusted me and I was not about to violate that trust.  After <C> finished with the mower we went over to where some shirts were on sale and I bought four of them for just under $40.00, which I thought was a very good buy.  I paid cash for them and felt somewhat awkward while paying for them.  We then decided to make a restroom break.  We then walked through the entire mall, stopping so <C> could speak with a man named <R>.  This just happened to be right in front of a day care play area where about 60 kids were climbing, crawling over things and running around.  I observed them all and moved over so a lady and her little boy could get to the vending machines.  During this entire time I did not have a single thought, even though I witnessed one of my most powerful triggers, the sight of a small butt crack when one of the younger ones bent over.  I thought nothing of it and felt no response of any kind.  From here we went on with our tour of the mall and went to many shops, the ice rink and the open eating areas.  This went without incident and we went on to the <N> store.  There I felt nearly over-whelmed by all of the choices, confusion because I did not know where things were in the place and slight anxiety because I knew Doc wanted to be back by three.  The last thing I wanted to do was to get either of them upset with me.  I bought several things and during this time there was a very cute baby in the cart near us who kept saying hi to us.  I thought it was sweet and went on about my business.  For some strange reason I felt protective of her while in passing.  I don't know why or what it means, but maybe I will talk with <C> or <L> about it.  When we got into the checkout I asked for where are the smokes and was told they don't sell them.  The clerk was very nice and suggested the <G> station up by the interstate.  I felt sort of deflated because I know Doc really hates the idea.  Still, when <C> mentioned it to Doc they went right to the <G> and we (<C> and I) went in and I got a red pack of Marlboros in the box and a lighter, then we went down to a bike trail and I smoked as we walked to the foot bridge.  This was a fantastic climax to a superb and joyous day.  I felt so relaxed it was almost like I had never been gone for 14 years.  Only a fellow smoker can understand the relief I am describing.  I rate the trip as a 10 +++!

Here is a run down of the 2nd trip out on July 16th.

Monday July 16          2nd trip out

Well, today we did our second trip and this time it was a lot more comfortable and enjoyable.  Early this morning I got up and did half-hours work and then showered.  After this I did the brown book class with the guys in my room.  I then went out and showered, then went to <S>'s cognitive skill class.  It was the same tapes I have seen several times before, about the guys using various tactics to avoid responsibility.  To be honest, with how crowded they are now, I am surprised they still have me in that class since I do the advanced class with <Dr. R>.  Anyway, <C> came and got me out of the class so we could get ready to leave.  We left at 10 and went over to <N> so I could cash my own check. Doing so left me feeling eager to get on with the trip.  Of course, Doc teased me about the smokes.  He said if I had them in my pocket I'd be quivering with excitement.  Probably true!!  From there we went to the super <Store>.  We went in and I was amazed to see a tank with live lobsters in it.  I also looked over some of the seafood and saw some monster tiger shrimps.  I'll be scheming on a way to get some of those cooked someplace!!!  We were able to get some small food samples, which I thought was really nice.  I noticed there were not a lot of people in the store, but I did not mind this.  During the entire time I felt very calm and alert to all things around me.  I enjoyed very much the sights, sounds and the smells coming at me and I did not feel overcome like I did last time.  We went through the entire store and I got all of my groceries except for the coffee and the flight bag.  Before we left we decided to walk over to the eyeglasses section.  Within five minutes the sales guy had Doc hooked on some frames and within five more I became convinced to get my own pair.  So, this will be my next project - to get my own personal glasses at a cost of $117.00, which I plan to buy on the next trip out in two weeks.  As I figure it right now, the purchase after next payday will still leave me with around $160.00 in the bank, so I can easily do it next time.  From there we went down to the <Store> where we shopped and I got my coffee and a flight bag.  It was quite a normal event and we spent very little time in there.  From there we went on to the <Restaurant> and got a seat for three.  We then went on to pick out our own foods and the first time through I got Peking duck in sauce, mushrooms, egg foo yung, potstickers, boneless ribs, onion rings, chicken, baked fish, beef and pork.  The second round was when I went in to get the food cooked on the grill.  I was stunned that neither <C> nor Doc followed me.  They just told me where it was and I went alone.  I picked out a lot of meats and vegetables then gave them to the guy to cook.  It was fascinating to watch as he stirred and cooked the things so fast and so thoroughly.  While I was eating this, <C> went and got me some super hot sauce, which I liked and then Doc got me a crab salad to try.  It was a wonderful experience and the trust was genuine, I know this now.  Both men really seemed to enjoy the outing and the meal.  I most certainly enjoyed it.  The only flaw was that I found three fish bones in my fish fillet, so in the future there I will be a bit more cautious with the fish.  Other than that it was excellent food.  On the way out I paid for mine and it came to $6.80, which I thought was very reasonable.  The cashier gave me a book of matches also, so I was set.  On the way out of the door I saw <C> toss a coin into the koi pool.  He mentioned that it was for the Ronald McDonald house for sick kids, so I threw in change also and will every time in the future.  From there we went on to the <City> Park down by the river.  As we drove through I saw kids walking towards a swimming pool while in swimwear and the only thing I thought was how nice it would be on a hot day like this.  I really would enjoy a cool dip someplace!  We went down to the river edge and I walked around enjoying my smokes and the peace and quiet.  I felt awkward at first because my depth perception was screwy.  Looking across the river made me slightly dizzy.  This faded after the time was nearly up, but it was not anywhere near as bad as the first time out.  I had a great time prowling along the bank looking for fish, turtles and snakes.  I found none, but the hunt was fun anyway.  I began enjoying my smokes and <C> made a couple phone calls.  Doc took the van and went home, leaving us there by the river.  Again, this spoke to me of the trust they have in me now.  We did call <K> and I spoke with him for a bit about where we was and about what had taken place Sunday with my meeting <E>.  Later, <C> and I walked down a bike / joggers path and came upon a group of ducks.  They were friendly and begged food, but we had none, which was disappointing to them as well as to myself.  Next time I will have some food for them.  We got to a floating dock on the river, so Doc and <C> sat up on the table while I went down to set on the dock to enjoy the silence and my last weed for the trip.  I could feel the dock moving with the motion of the water.  It was extremely peaceful and calming.  I noticed that my depth perception problem slowly vanished, which was a relief.  As for any form of arousal, there was one girl at <Store> sitting in a cart with her legs up.  I caught myself looking at her thigh and her panties, then stopped and re-focused on my groceries.  I had no thoughts of wanting to see more or of wanting to touch her in any way.  That was the only incident, or hint, of any old behaviors.  At the park I also saw a couple of fine women on the path and they were enticing to see.  Upon returning I did not follow through with any inappropriate thoughts or fantasy and I did not masturbate to any of those images.  END

Everything here is going very well and I am rapidly adjusting to being able to go out.  I know this is a really strange letter and a late one also, but at least it will keep you updated on what is taking place.  I did find out that I CANNOT be re-licensed again in the medical field as an EMT.  So, I go to plan B which is to work over at the University as a state employee in an entry level position, such as custodial or in animal care.  I did get a letter of interest from a publisher right here in <City>, about my book project.  I will be sending them what I have completed to see if it is what they are interested in.  I am buried in projects right now, but I will try to keep in contact more often.  Take care.

Sincerely, <J>

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