Informational and Awareness Packet
on the Subject of Child Sexual Abuse

Randall Blake

Editor's Note:

    This material was sent to us from a prison.  As Editor, I have chosen to publish it, without any editing, to offer an opening to others to understand something more about those who sexually abuse children.  Whatever a reader may think of the content of the material, it is an effort by a child molester to produce a primary prevention approach.

    We published an article on prevention many years ago (Krivacska, J. J. (1989).  Primary prevention of child sexual abuse: Alternative, non-child directed approaches. Issues in Child Abuse Accusations, 1(4), 1-9.) suggesting and outlining a primary prevention effort.  Then, as now" almost all prevention efforts are not primary prevention, aimed at the active agent, but rather they are aimed at the victim, the child.  This may be a major factor in the relative ineffectiveness of prevention efforts, even though they elicit approval and support from. many.1

    This material also includes the intent of the child molester to assist in preventing others from engaging in child sexual abuse and causing much harm to the children and to the perpetrator.  In one of the few studies on how some released prisoners can go straight. this is one of the factors that has been shown to be helpful and effective.2  The article also illustrates what a prisoner can accomplish in a restricted, tightly controlled, and minimal environment with little availability of resources.

Ralph Underwager, PhD.
August 11, 2003

1 Bolen, R. M. (2003). Child sexual abuse: Prevention or promotion. Social Work 48(2). 174-185.

2 Shinn, M., & Toohey, S. M. (2001). Refocusing on primary prevention. Prevention & Treatment, 4, article 21, E-journal 20, S. (2001). Making good: How ex-convicts reform and rebuild their lives. Washington, DC: American Psychological Association.

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INFORMATIONAL AND AWARENESS PACKET
ON THE SUBJECT OF CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE
SOMETHING EVERY CHILD AND ADULT SHOULD KNOW

THIS IS DEDICATED TO GOD ALMIGHTY. HIS LOVE, FORGIVENESS AND PROMISE TO RESTORE ME HAS MADE IT POSSIBLE FOR MY LIFE TO BE TRANSFORMED SO HIS HAND COULD GUIDE ME IN THE WORDS WRITTEN HERE.  MY PURPOSE IS ONLY TO SERVE HIM AND DO WHAT HE LEADS ME TO DO.  THAT BEING STOPPING THE ABUSE AND HELPING HIS LITTLE CHILDREN.  THAT IS THE PURPOSE HE HAS GIVEN ME IN THIS LIFE.  I PRAY THAT GOD WILL OPEN YOUR HEARTS TO THESE WORDS AND ALLOW YOU TO LOOK PAST THE PERSON I WAS AND SEE THIS AS IT IS INTENDED, A MESSAGE FOR HOPE.

Lost Souls

Their souls are lost without a trace,
tears are streaming down their face.
        With tears and confusion deep inside,
        they feel as if their souls have died.
They reach for help when they can't take no more,
and I was there to slam the door.
        I didn't consider what my actions cost,
        I'm still whole but 'their souls are lost.
It doesn't matter how much I've cried,
inside these children have all but died.
        Many children have been hurt this way,
        let's put a stop to it today.

Randall Blake
Recovering Child Molester

CHILD SEXUAL MOLESTATION
Recognizing, Stopping, Surviving
From Victim, To Molester, To survivor

INTRODUCTION

    My name is Randall Blake and I am currently committed at the Big Muddy Correctional Center in Ina, Illinois under the Sexually Dangerous Persons Act.  I have no release date as I am here for therapy in the Sex Offender Treatment Program.  I was arrested on the 13th of July, 1995 and have been in this program for over six years.  You may ask why I even bother to do this as I have no release date.  The reason is YOU, each and everyone who is reading this now.

    I have made a total of 14 contact victims, both male and female, ranging in ages from 6 to 19 years old.  The number of secondary victims belonging, not only to my victims' families, but to my own also are uncountable.  What I have done is now almost unbearable to me now that I reflect upon it.

    Thankfully, God has given me the courage to set myself out to you and take responsibility for my action.  As embarrassing and humiliating to me as it is, it is nothing in comparison with the harm I have caused to my victims.  I pray that by reading this, it will help you to believe when a child tells you about something like this and you will help him, or her, to get the treatment and justice they need to become survivors in a healthy way.  Let them know you care and that with God all things are possible.

TABLE OF CONTENTS

COVER SHEET

INTRODUCTION

 

MY STORY

PREVENTION

MANIPULATIONS

STOPPING THE MOLESTATION

MOLESTERS ARE SICK PEOPLE - TREAT THE OFFENDER AND STOP THE ABUSE

TREATMENT FOR THE VICTIM

BECOMING A SURVIVOR

GOD'S GRACE AND FORGIVENESS

MYTHS AND TRUTHS

EFFECTS SEXUAL ABUSE HAS UPON CHILDREN

MY GOALS

CLOSING REMARKS

DO I FEEL I'M STILL SEXUALLY DANGEROUS?

SUGGESTED SURVEY

HOLD YOUR HEAD HIGH

MY STORY

    I am writing this in hope of reaching one parent, one child, or anyone who cares about what is happening to the children of this world today.  I feel God has saved me for a purpose and that is to help His innocent little children, the same children I was molesting and destroying, stealing their hopes and dreams, their innocence and purity, degrading their bodies and raping their minds.

    To most of society I am a sick pervert and I have felt that way about myself, too.  But God has transformed me into His messenger to help stop others from doing the same perverted things that I had done to His children.  I believe He is using me for this reason.  I have been on both sides of the tracks.  I was molested from the ages of nine to fifteen by my two step brothers.  I also became a molester.  I was once part of society so I fully understand how society feels about people such as myself.

    My only goals in life now are to please God and stop the abuse that I played a big part in.  I did not get all religious after I was incarcerated, I prayed to God to stop me a long time ago, or take my life.  He answered my prayer, He stopped me.

    He put me in here for treatment and taught me I had to let go of the past before I could ever have a future.  He has been leading me down the road to recovery ever since.  I will try to hit the highlights of my story so you can see how I became a victim and what followed.

    I was nine years old.  I had a sister, 11, and one who was 7.  We all came home from school one day and were told by my parents to sit at the table.  My dad spoke first and told my mom to go ahead and tell us.  She told him to.  He said my mom was filing for divorce.  My heart sank and all three of us started crying.  I was not close to my dad by any means.  My dad was an alcoholic and the only time I would see him was on the weekends when he was drunk.  Then I would usually get my butt whipped for one reason or another.

    I never felt a bond with my father when I was a boy, only after I too had become an alcoholic and we had become drinking buddies.  As a child I wasn't allowed to watch ballgames with him.  He never played catch with me or anything a father and son would do together, not even go fishing.  I was always sent outside to play.  There were no other boys where I lived, only five girls on one side and three on the other, plus my two sisters so I got stuck playing house and Barbies.

    Still, I wanted my parents to divorce.  I knew it was hard on my mom.  I had seen my dad in his rages where he would beat her while I sat by helpless.

    I remember one night after being told they were getting a divorce, my mom was out and my dad took us to a bar and held us up to the window to see mom sitting with another man.  My dad asked if I still wanted to live with my mom.  I told him "yes."  He called me a mama's boy, a sissy and a few other things I won't write.

    The divorce wasn't going like my mom had planned.  My dad said that he refused to pay child support, that he would skip the country first.  My mom's attorney suggested that she let him retain custody of us.  This way she could see us all the time and he would have to feed us, send us to school and clothe us.  She agreed and that day my world fell apart.

    The day my mom was moving out she had loaded her last box and was ready to say goodbye when I ran past her and headed up into the woods.  I sat on top of the hill and watched as everyone looked for me.  Then the lady next door came out and talked to my mom.  The next thing I knew she was getting into her car and heading down the driveway.  I started running down the hill, I couldn't let her go without me.  I slipped and was cut on a broken stick.  I got back up and kept running.  I reached the bottom of the hill just as she was passing by.  I yelled and screamed "Mommy, mommy, please stop, take me with you!"  The tears were flowing so hard I couldn't even see as she faded out of sight.  To me, my life ended that day.  I had no one to love me, no one who cared.  I was lost and all alone in the world.  Abandoned, totally rejected.  After that day my life was never the same.

    My younger sister and I would go to visit my mom on weekends but we didn't see much of her.  she would have her landlady babysit us while she went out.  She started dating a guy and they decided to go to Miami, Florida.  He came back but she stayed.  She did come to visit three or four times but my mom was gone, I no longer mattered to her.

    My dad started seeing one of his ex-wives.  They were going to be remarried but he called it off.  Then one day my sister and I walked in and there was a woman on the couch next to my dad.  He had his arm around her!  He introduced us and I could tell right away that she didn't like us.  She had three sons and one daughter.  Needless to say, my dad married her.  She had no use for me and my sisters.  Her 16 year son moved in with us and he had to sleep in my bed with me.

    That first night began the short circuiting in my brain.  I had never masturbated, looked at pornography, drank, smoked, cussed or anything like that.  I went to church every Sunday.  That is how I was brought up.  My mom had been a Sunday School teacher and sang in the choir.  I sang in the Cadet Choir.  That night I was to be introduced to thoughts, feelings and sensations that I had never experienced before.  Out of my neediness to be accepted, to fit in, to be wanted and to feel loved, I was manipulated into sexual acts that confused me in so many ways.

    The way I was approached was gentle, with kindness and caring.  I was told that I would like what he was going to do, but I could never tell or we would both get into trouble and he would be very mad at me.  when he started caressing my body I felt relaxed, warm, loved, wanted and accepted, just like I would when my mom would give me affection.  But when he moved his hand down lower and began touching me in my private area, the gears in my head started grinding.  I told myself that this isn't right, that I shouldn't be letting him do this.  But it felt so different than anything I had felt before.  It felt good.  My body responded just as he hoped it would.  He fondled me for a while then he did something that really shocked me.  He put me in his mouth.  I'm asking myself "what's going on here!  This is wrong!"  I felt guilty and shameful but it felt real good, but still it's not alright.  After he stopped he wanted me to do the same to him.  I didn't want to but he kept insisting saying if I really liked him and wanted to be friends we would do this for each other.  He put his hand on to lead me to it.  It wasn't forceful but I knew he wasn't going to stop until I did it.  I did it but I didn't like it.  It was nasty.  After that, each time he would do me, which became a nightly ordeal.  If I protested doing him he would have me lay on my belly and slide himself back and forth in the crack of my butt.

    My other stepbrother moved in and he tried to get me to go down on him.  I kept refusing so he started buying lime flavored vodka and cigarettes for me.  I had never smoked before.  To me he was treating me like an equal, a man.  Between the two of them they used alcohol on a daily basis to get me to comply.  I became an alcoholic at the age of nine.  Once my stepbrother talked me into laying on my stomach so he could
do what he always did, but this time he said he wanted to try something different to make it slide easier.  He took a jar of Vicks Vapo-Rub , put some on himself.  While I am laying there thinking that he's getting positioned, he crammed himself inside of me, raping me.  I felt as if my whole insides were being ripped apart.

    One day I walked in and caught my younger stepbrother molesting someone very close to me.  He got off of them and told me to get undressed and told me to get on top of the child.  I refused and he threatened to kick my butt if I didn't.  I was afraid so I did as he said.  The look in this child's eyes still haunts me today.  I was all they had.  They looked up to me. I had played with them and their eyes were asking me "why?  I thought you loved me."  Yet, they never said a word.  While I was doing what my stepbrother told me to do he was leaning back and masturbating.  I felt so ashamed.  I was betraying this person in every way and to top it off my body was betraying me as I became erect.

    During this period I had no one to turn to.  My dad had started taking his anger and aggression out on me.  For the littlest things he would beat me like a dog.  He folded his
belt in half and used the buckle end on me with my pants down.  Many times I would walk away with blood running down my legs and welts a half inch or longer.

    The last time I knew of my stepbrothers trying to molest this person I loved and cared for was one day when the older one asked if we wanted to go swimming.  We said yes.  He drove to a secluded spot by the river and told me to go check it out.  I left and a few minutes later I heard someone screaming.  I ran back to the car and I saw my stepbrother with one hand in this child's pants and the other trying to force their head down on him.  I kept telling him to leave them alone but he wouldn't.  I couldn't stop him.  He was 6'6" and 300 pounds and I was just a chubby little kid.

    The only way I knew to stop him was to offer to do it myself, and he agreed.  He was so forceful that I gagged, coughed and couldn't breath.  When he finished I threw up.  It took a long time before I could catch my breath.  Shortly after, the child moved away.  Now nothing mattered.  I could endure the beatings, the rapes and the molestations.  All I had to do is to demand that they keep furnishing the booze, which they did.  This continued from nine years old to fifteen years old almost on a daily basis.  Alcohol was now my god.  with it I did not have to think, feel, care or love.  I just existed.  I quit living the day my stepbrother moved in.

    I was left with feelings of shame, guilt, blame, worthlessness, inadequacy, manhood issues, sexual identity issues, feelings of being used, betrayed, unwanted, unloved, unneeded, alone, isolated, different, perverted, ungodly, a sinner, misunderstood, confused, lost and suicidal.  I was a stranger to myself and everyone around me.  I had no one to turn to, no one to talk to, no one to trust and no one to understand me.  Why?  Because I couldn't understand what had happened to me.  In my mind love equaled sex and acceptance.

    My abuse stopped when I was 15 years old.  I realize now it was because God gave me the strength to stand up and say "NO MORE!"  Although in my mind I was no good, dirty and ruined, I turned elsewhere for love, acceptance, to be wanted and needed.  I went from girl to girl, having sex with anyone that I could talk into it.  By now I didn't realize it but I had learned how to manipulate people to fulfill my needs.  My heart was still dead.  I would not allow myself to feel.

    I started misbehaving, skipping school and turned rebellious.  My dad kicked me out of the house at 15 but before that he threatened to send me to a boy's home.  I called my mom in Florida and asked if I could come and live with her and my sisters.  I told her what my dad wanted to do.  Her words still .echo in my ears.  They were, "well, maybe that would be best for you but I can't take you."  Big time rejection and confirmation of being unloved carved in stone.  I was alone.  No one cared for me, loved me, wanted me.  I was on my own.

    Self pity arid entitlement became the rulers of my life.  I hardened like stone.  I didn't need anyone or anything except alcohol, the only thing in the world that I could count on.
 Three times in my life I was belittled about my penis size.  The first time was my stepbrother laughing at how small I was.  The second was with a girl my age when I was 13.  She laughed and pushed me off her because I wasn't big enough to please her.  The third was my first wife who told me I didn't have enough to please a little girl.  This became a very big issue for me.  I wasn't big enough to please a woman!

    Then, at 16 I met the love of my life.  I knew this was it.  I never felt a feeling like this before in my life.  What shocked me is she felt the same way about me.  My walls I had built came tumbling down.  I was willing and wanting to take a chance with her.  We were soul mates and we did everything together.  She showed me what love really felt like.\

    I was working but had not saved any money for an apartment.  We set up house in the basement of an apartment building my dad lived in.  It was dark, damp and musty but she didn't complain.  She told me as long as she was with me she was content.

    This relationship was short lived because of my jealousy, rage and other distorted feelings from my past.  I thought she cheated on me only because someone's jealous girlfriend told me so.  I confronted her about it in a rage.  She cried her eyes out begging me to believe her that she was innocent.  All the hurt that had been built up in me blocked out the sense of reasoning within myself.  I left her and the only love I knew that I had ever been shown, that was given freely with no expectations along with it.

    As if my life had not been already ruined enough from my childhood, it was now my turn to self destruct.  I went from girl to girl, woman to woman.  I got married for the first time one month after I turned 17.  Since then I have had three more wives while knowing that I didn't love them when I married them.  I needed to feel wanted and needed but what I was really searching for was the same kind of love that I threw away.  I needed someone to take her place.  Four wives later, along with six children I was lost, alone and miserable.  I became a "care taking" person and I would seek out needy women.  They could be ones looking for love and acceptance, like myself.  Some were drug addicts who were willing to do anything for me as long as I took care of their needs.

    Four children came from my marriages, one son and three daughters.  I had my son from my first wife and my three daughters from my third wife.  I had custody of my son when I married my third wife and I always believed that she was jealous of him.  I tried to love this woman.  I did in my own way but I couldn't show it.  No matter how good she treated me there was still only one love in my heart.  My wife was young.  When I married her she was 17 and I was 21.  Looking back now that would make her a victim also, because of the age difference.

    She wanted to please me in every way and she gave me three beautiful daughters.  She worshipped the ground I walked on and yet I walked all over her.  Alcohol was still the most important thing in my life.  Day after day and night after night I would leave her and the children home while I spent my time in bars.

    Sexually, I felt very inadequate.  No matter what I tried I could not get her to respond to me.  She never turned me down but she just lay there.  This tapped so many issues within me.  I later found out that this was because she had been molested and raped by a girlfriend's stepfather on many occasions, starting when she was 12 years old.  By now I had so many core issues that I had never dealt with along with distorted beliefs and feelings.  I was an alcoholic.  I was full of self pity, entitlement and expectations.  No one mattered to me but me.  Yet, I was lying to myself because in reality I didn't even matter to me.

    My first child victim was my son.  I was washing him off in the shower so he could hurry and get out.  While washing his penis area he got an erection and something snapped in my mind.  The thoughts of the good feelings that I had while I was being molested flooded my mind.  Now here I am with my six year old son and his body is responding to my touch.  I found myself getting excited.  It was sick and I knew this.  How could I be having this kind of reaction to my own little boy?  I started justifying it, just like all child molesters do by thinking, here I am, able to excite my son without even trying.  Something I couldn't do with my wife.  With him there were no expectations to satisfy or properly perform.  He offers unconditional love and trust.  He accepts me, loves me and I can show him that I love him.  In return I started molesting him.  Then my daughters, my niece and our babysitters.  I kept telling myself I wasn't hurting them.  I had myself believing that.  Why?  Because I swore that I would not inflict any pain on them, only pleasure.  I could still feel the pain of being raped myself.  So for me it would be fondling and oral sex, no penetration.  I wanted them to enjoy what I was doing.  I did not want to inflict any pain.  There were times I considered it but was afraid if I crossed that line they would tell.

    Out of my 14 victims I did have intercourse with four of them.  These four I knew were having sex already so this gave me the go ahead, another justification.  Justifications are one of the things that makes a child molester so dangerous.  They justify their actions so in their minds they really are not hurting their victim.  What's ironic is I had to get drunk to get the courage up to molest my victims.  Then afterwards I would have to drink to try and put out of my mind what I just did and cover up my shame and guilt.

    I attempted suicide three times.  I hated what I had become.  Yet I felt like I was possessed and I couldn't stop.  I started praying to God to take my life or do whatever it takes to stop me.  In 1989 God answered my prayer although not in the way I had hoped for, but he did answer it.  One of the babysitters I had fondled spoke up and then one by one the rest of my victims spoke up.  I was arrested and taken off the streets, away from my family.  I admitted to some of my crimes and denied others.  At this time I knew what I did was wrong yet I couldn't see the damage I had done.

    While I was in the county jail awaiting trial I went back to church services and met Reverend Vernon Findley.  This man was so full of joy and the love of Christ I was drawn to him right away.  I knew I wanted what he had.  He didn't look down his nose at any of us in that room.  He came right out and told us he loved us and that God loved us.  He wanted to give us what he had.  I accepted Christ Jesus in that service.  Not only did I receive Christ, I received a brother in Christ along with his wife, Lila.

    I served two years and nine months and I had more visits during that time from Vern and Lila than any of my own family.  My wife divorced me and I had driven my children away.  While in prison I read the Bible.  I could do a pretty good job of "talking the talk."  I would buy hooch from other inmates so I could still get drunk.  Upon my release, instead of having the desire to go to church and thank God, I wanted to go to my mom's bar as she had moved back from Florida and have a glass of Mogen David wine.

    I started working at the bar as a bartender and bouncer.  Once again I let Satan drag me down.  I was feeling lonely and unwanted again and the self pity returned.  During this time my drinking got worse and worse.  I was back to my same old self except that I wasn't molesting.

    I went to church with Vern and Lila a couple of times after my release.  Vern would stop by the bar while he was on his way to jail.  He would pray for me that I would find another job and move away from the bar that I lived over.  Instead of things getting better, they got worse.  I drank seven days a week and never missed one.  I got involved with women who I thought needed caretaking.  My own insecurities played a big role in those relationships.  Vern married me and my fourth wife, a crack addict.  I made the mistake of thinking that I could change her.  Right now she is doing 8 years in prison.

    The last woman I was involved with before coming here was addicted to pot, crack and was an alcoholic.  She was a very sloppy drunk.  She was mean and nasty.  As soon as she woke up in the morning she would reach for her pipe.  She wouldn't get out of bed until she got high.  She had a son, 11, along with a 13 year old daughter.  They had been living with their dad and she wanted them to move in with us.  I really believed everything would be OK.  I had been out of prison for three years and had just gotten off parole.  I thought that I could handle it without a problem.  My mother on the other hand was dead set against it.  She told me I was just asking for trouble.  I didn't listen because I knew it all.

    As soon as they walked in, those same old deviant thoughts and feelings came back to life again.  Here were two kids standing in front of me very much in need of love and attention.  The girl I found myself immediately attracted to.  She was in the developing stage of her life and I knew then and there that she was going to become my next victim.  All I needed was some time to groom and manipulate her.  That chance came on a couple of occasions but for some reason I passed them by.  Then it was too late, she moved back with her dad.

    Not long afterwards I walked in on the boy masturbating and my sick mind started going into motion again.  This time I created another victim just as I had done with my own son.  Unlike my other victims I always worried and I had to be nice to them so they wouldn't tell.  This one I got angry at one day over some petty thing and he told his mom what I had done.  He moved in with his uncle and his mom stayed with me until I was arrested.  I kept telling her that he was lying and that I never touched him.

    The court decided instead of charging me with the crime they would go for the Sexually Dangerous Persons Act which would civilly commit me for treatment if I chose it, until I am deemed to be recovered and safe to reenter society.  When I got here and met some of the guys I immediately knew I was here for life.  Some guys had already been locked up under this law for over 20 years.  I did enroll in the program but had little, if any, hope of ever getting out.  Within the first two years I acted out twice sexually.  To me it was consenting and I really didn't care, where was I going?  But the second time I started to act out I felt different.  I felt this is wrong.  I still began to go through it but within 30 to 45 seconds I had to stop.  I felt guilty!  For three and a half years after that I remained in group and learned a lot.  I didn't balk much.  I saw so many things all of us offenders have in common.  In November of 2000 I got a new cellmate.  The first night he moved in inappropriate behaviors began just from watching a TV show called Strip Poker.  I have to say that my new cellmate is physically challenged.  He acted more like a 10 year old than the 28 year old that he was. He asked if he could do something that was in a sexual nature.  I agreed because of the deviancies that still dwelled within me.  There was no physical contact involved but it was still wrong.  I was wrong because I knew better and I chose to take advantage of him, knowing that he really didn't know better.

    You see, something was happening to me since I got here and at that time I had no clue to what it was.  God was still answering my prayer from back in 1989.  Each time I would begin to act out my desires had lessened and is now to the point where I have a conscience.  I also no longer have deviant fantasies or flash fantasies, and I don't objectify.  I have to this date, February 12, 2002, only masturbated once to an appropriate fantasy since November of 2000.

    The beginning of the year 2001 I set myself out to the counselors and the group telling all my inappropriate behaviors since arriving here.  I had taken a good look at myself and what and who I'd become and I hated what I saw.  I knew there was more to me than that.  God was doing things for me without me even asking.  Get this, in 1998 I received a letter in the mail. I didn't recognize the last name but it turned out to be Linda, the first and only love of my life.  Every relationship I had had, I was looking for her in that person.  Which wasn't fair to the one I was with.  There's no doubt in my mind that God sent her to me, to help me put my life back together.

When I read her letter that ember that was flickering in my heart for her became a raging fire again.  27 years later and I still loved her as much as the day we met.  I wasn't completely honest with her.  I did admit I had done some of the things I was accused of but denied touching my last victim.  I was afraid she'd think I was gay or something.  I allowed her to go on blaming him for me being here.

    After taking that look at myself, I knew I had to change.  And the first thing I had to do was make a list of all my core issues to resolve.  The only way that I could resolve most of them was to forgive and let go of it.  But I found out the biggest one I had was not my dad's beatings, my mom's leaving or even being raped and molested.  The biggest one was I was blaming God for every horrible thing that happened to me in my life, for all my rotten relationships and mainly for me being a child molester.  After all, he created me, didn't he?  He formed my brain, it's not my fault he made a mistake.  I don't believe that God was too impressed with my reasoning.  He let me know just how wrong I was and when He did I realized just how small I really am.  God made me in His image.  In His eyes I am perfect.  He didn't create me with flaws in my brain, He gave me freedom of choice.

    God had nothing to do with my hurting so many innocent children and their family and friends.  I chose to do what I did, knowing it was wrong.  I allowed Satan to influence me but I can't blame him either.  He can't make me do anything against my will.  All God has ever wanted for me is the best.  But to receive that I have to turn to Him, speak to Him and follow his word.

    I got myself right with God.  I asked His forgiveness and ever since I've received blessing after blessing.  I was laying on my bunk one day praying.  I asked God how on earth I could ever serve him.  I've been in prison twice for molesting children.  I thought that they would never listen to me when it comes to trying to win souls for you.  God spoke to me that very day.  All he said was help my little children.  Then thought after thought started to flood my mind in ways to do that.  After that day I knew to change my life I had to get rid of any secrets, lies and anything at all that could hold me back.  I did just that.  I wrote to my family, Linda and Vern, and Lila and I told them of the things I had done and the lies that I had told them.  Especially the lies that I told them about my last victim.  I could not allow everyone to go on blaming him or thinking that he was lying when it was me lying the whole time.

    I knew I was taking a big chance of losing my family and Linda.  I had to tell Vern and Lila because I felt so ashamed for lying to them knowing that they had never given up hope on me or praying for me.  But I believe they were able to thank God for answering their prayers instead of dwelling on the fact that I lied.  My youngest sister is very upset with me.  She told my mother to ask me not to call her anymore.  My older sister feels it's OK if I want to clear my conscience, but she says I had no right dumping it on her to deal with.  So I wrote her trying to explain that I didn't mean to dump on anyone.  My mother was very hurt.  Not about what I've done since I've been here, but because I lied to her for over six years by letting her believe that I was innocent.  She told me no matter what I ever do she will always love me.  Linda was very hurt.  She told me I was the only person she trusted not to hurt or lie to her.  Yet God gave her the strength to forgive me.  There is nothing left to hide in my life.  I am an open book.  I believe I'm where God wants me.  I can honestly say I love myself.  All the self pity, worthlessness and other distortions of my mind are gone.  My desire for alcohol left me the day I got arrested.  So that is out of my life.  I've got a happy, healthy future to look forward to.

    God's purpose for my life is to make parents, children and society aware of people such as myself.  I have to set myself out as a child molester to inform people about things to be aware of and to teach them about the ways of a child molester and how he manipulates his victim and many times, the victim's parents.  People need to realize a child molester is not just a sick pervert, he is a sick person that can be successfully treated through intensive therapy.  Ask yourself, if this molester of children was one of your family members would you rather have them treated and well or locked up for the rest of their lives while knowing there is hope for them.

    There is no excusing what I've done, no justification.  What I did was wrong, very wrong.  I hurt my victims worse than if I physically raped them.  What I did was rape their minds, defile their bodies and leave them with guilt, shame and blame.  I manipulated them in a way that leaves doubt in their minds that they could have stopped it.  I know this feeling.  I carried the same self blame for years.  Now I have shame, guilt and remorse for my victims.  I have shed many tears because God gave me the ability to look past myself and gain empathy for others.

    I can't go back and undo the horrible things that I have done.  Nor can I do away with all the effects I've put upon my victims.  God knows I would if I could.  What I can do is pray that God will give each and every one of them the strength to become a survivor.  Although I can do nothing for those I've hurt myself, I will do everything in my power to stop it from happening to other children.  This is my purpose, this is my goal.

    Satan is running scared because he knows God is behind me all the way and He is in front of me clearing the way.  Since I set myself out and came clean with everyone, I have worked harder at changing my life than I have ever worked at anything else.  Yet my evaluation for the year 2001 was the worst I've had since I've been here.  Satan is afraid of me getting out because he's going to be exposed.  The sick and deviant sexual thoughts that he plants in people's minds and the methods he uses to get people to carry them out are all going to be made aware to society.  The purity of sex is gone.  Satan has turned it into a tool to lead men and women away from God.  Even grade school children are experimenting with each other.  I feel so sick and foolish that I ever let myself be dragged into his pit.

    As for my story, I have only told a small portion.  It is hard to fill 47 years of a dysfunctional life in a few pages.  All I can do now is give you the knowledge I have gained as a victim, a child molester and, at one time, a part of society.  I know that this book, as small as it is, can be very helpful to you as a parent, you as a child, you as a friend or you as a family member.  To my knowledge, no other child molester has written about himself or other molester.  Most want to hide and hope no one discovers them.  Professionals have written many books from studies and second hand information.  I want people to know who I am.  I am ashamed of who I was and what I have done, but that is something I will have to bear.  Now I am a servant, a messenger of God.  My job is to help save your children.

    Here is a general description of a child molester.  A child molester is anyone your eyes can make out to be of the human race: male, female, black, white, short, fat, ugly, handsome, rich, poor, minister, devil worshipper, Sunday school teacher, brother, sister, aunt, uncle, your closest friend and your trusted babysitter.  Usually a child molester is someone you would least expect.  There is no sure way of spotting a child molester.  Some people still stereotype them as dirty old men waiting next to an alley waiting for a child to snatch up.  Still others believe the only people you have to worry about are those that try to lure children into their car or hang around schools or offer candy.  The fact is that most child molesting happens within the family and is not perpetrated by strangers.  In this prison about 85% of the population are convicted sex offenders including rapists and child molesters.  Only about 200 are taking advantage of the therapy program offered.  Some will never change.  They are not remorseful, empathetic or concerned about what they have done to their victims.  These are the ones who in my opinion should never be released because they will do it again once they are released.  To them offending is like a drug.  They get a rush from it and a sense of power and control.  It has nothing to do with sex or the need to be accepted.

    What is a child molester really searching for?  Each has his own needs he is trying to meet.  Some believe that sex equals love and they never learn how to express love in an appropriate manner.  In their distorted way of thinking, even though they know it is wrong, they will still sexually abuse their own children, nieces, nephews and other children they have affection for.  At the time they are expressing love and do not want to hurt the child.  In fact, most don't feel they have hurt the child until they get into treatment and learn all the effects of their abuse.

    Others abuse out of anger, self centeredness and power and control.  They are the ones most likely to create an act of penetration on their victim.  They are not demonstrating love.  They need someone to take out their frustration and aggression on.  But even these offenders can be very remorseful and discontinue this behavior through intensive therapy.  Any child molester can be treated to change their ways of thinking, lifestyle, wants and needs.  No matter how distorted or perverted they are they can change if they want to change.  Doing so takes will power, dedication and the desire to get rid of all the distortions.  It takes honesty and brings up painful memories they tried to forget.  They can be led through the therapy process, but all the work has to come from within by facing responsibility, total disclosure of offenses, honesty and gaining empathy for their victims.  The decision has to be theirs and theirs alone.  They cannot be forced to change.  They have to want it more than anything else.

    Many child molesters are drawn to the innocence of a child because of their own insecurities.  With a child there are no expectations put on the offender and so they manipulate both the child and the situation to fit whatever needs they need met at the time.  Here are some of the needs men in my groups were trying to get met by molesting children:

Power and control
Love
Understanding
Need to feel wanted
Affection
Self worth
Sexual identity
To feel soft bodies
Steal virginity
Masturbation
Release of anger and frustration
Acceptance
Need to feel needed
To be desired
Self esteem
Build manhood
Attraction to innocence
To feel young again
Sexual release
Inflict pain

There are many more.  Most, as sickening as they are, result from the abuser's own childhood.  They try to live normal lives and they usually seem normal to their friends and family, but Satan uses all the deviant and distorted thoughts of their past and plays games with them.  All of the child molesters in here say they wish there was someone or someplace they could have turned to while they were molesting to get help.

    Society says if they felt that bad about it they would have turned themselves in.  That is not true.  I was ready to take my own life to stop it.  I didn't have the courage to turn myself in.  Doing so, everyone would know.  I would be a disgrace to my family, I would lose my job.  I wouldn't be able to look people in the eye and I would be charged and go to prison.  Did you notice in the last few statements there was not one word about my victims or how I would be stopping the abuse or setting out what I did to them so they could get help?  Without treatment that is the way a child molester would continue thinking, self-centered all the way.  Treatment is somewhat like the Bible.  It is for the renewing of the mind.  It is my hope to find a way to reach the offender and convince him to stop now and get the help that he needs.

    A child molester is searching for ways for needs to be met that he doesn't feel an adult can fill.  Most regress back to a childlike state of mind and search for what they missed out on as a child.  They do not want to play the adult role anymore.  There is more stress, more expectations, more obligations and more responsibility than they can handle.  It is not much different than turning to alcohol to find relief except that here we are dealing with a human life, an innocent child that will be scarred for life.

    It is really hard to answer the question of what a child molester is searching for because each offender is the same in many aspects but completely different in others.  This is why therapy is so important.  The offender can examine his life, go back as far as he can remember and pick out everything that contributes to his present deviant behaviors.

    Without therapy, no matter how much the offender wants to stop, my guess is that chances are almost 99.9% that he cannot.  With God's intervention, an established sex offender program and a staff that cares about the offender as a human being and gain the trust and confidence of the offender, their chances of working through issues that led to their distortions are very good.  Then they can become an asset to society, helping others work through their own life experiences to stop the victimization.

PREVENTION

    One of the most effective ways of prevention is love in the home.  Most offenders begin their life story how he never felt loved at home as a child.  They have grown from childhood to adolescence and into adults feeling unloved, unwanted, worthless, stupid, like a bad child, outcast, misunderstood and uncared for.  They felt unimportant as if they did not matter to anyone and never did.

    In today's world many families have both parents working and so there is no family time left at the end of the day.  No one has the time to demonstrate their love for each other and love is taken for granted.  People need love and affection, especially children.  They crave it and without it they become a needy child, reaching out to anyone who is willing to offer them love.  Love that you as a parent should be giving plenty of.

    Sometimes a child needs punishment.  Do you demonstrate anger and hostility when giving it?  Do you take the time to explain what your child did wrong and why you have to punish them?  Do you assure them that you do not love them any less for their misdeed?  If anything it is more because you love them so much that you are doing what you are doing so that they will grow up knowing right from wrong.  Every day you have to show your child that you love them, that you are proud of them and you are happy to have them as your child.  Hugs, kisses, positive affirmations, sharing time and whatever else you can possibly think of to make sure that your child feels love, acceptance and comfort at home.  If you don't give of yourself there is a guy, such as I, just waiting to give them what you have not, plus a lot more.  Things that you want to protect your child from.  A perfect victim for a child molester is a child starving for attention, affection, love, acceptance and a feeling of belonging.  If you as a parent do not give these things to your child then you are setting up your child to be a victim.

    Caution is very important in protecting your child.  Do you ever allow your child to be put in a dangerous situation such as babysitting?  Ask yourself how well you know the people you are allowing your child to babysit for.  In my case I worked everyday with the father of one of my victims.  I went with him to a bar and drank with him.  I gained his trust and manipulated him just to get to his daughter.  Finding a sitter for your children is hard.  How sure are you that your child will be safe while you are gone?  I cannot give you all the answers here but I encourage you to be on your guard.  Check in with your child while you are out and ask if everything is okay.  If your child is the babysitter then know what time she is supposed to get off work and make arrangements to pick her up yourself.  You can never be too protective or too cautious.

    Trust is so easy to give, especially to family members or close friends.  With the knowledge that I have gained in here I have learned that when it comes to your child's safety, it is better not to totally trust anyone.  I am not saying you have to stay in a constant state of worry, what I am telling you is that anyone, even a loved one, can be a child molester.  So don't give out your trust so freely.  Most of the offenders here were in positions of trust.  I know of three ordained ministers, one school teacher, one scout leader, one Sunday school teacher, one person who ran a home for wayward kids, all have molested children.  Also, brothers, uncles, fathers, grandpas, stepfathers, family friends so very few can say they did not know the child or the family.

    To be protective you need to use a mixture of love, caution and limited trust.  No one will take offense to you being protective of your children unless they have something to hide.  I will give you one example.  If your husband suddenly wants you to go to the store for something and tells you to take all of the kids with you except for a certain one.  It may be time for the red lights to start flashing.  There are many scenarios I could use but I believe you understand what I am trying to tell you.  Be aware of anything and everything concerning your child.

MANIPULATIONS

    I am a child molester and my purpose for writing about myself is to make you aware of people like me who prey on children.  In this section I am writing to the children as they need to know what to look for.

    I am sure that you have all been taught about good touches and bad touches and to stay away from strangers.  To tell if someone is doing something you know they should not be doing, it feels wrong.  Those are all good things to know.  There are also times that you may not think it is wrong or not feel that it is wrong because you have been tricked into thinking that it is okay.  This is called manipulation.

    You need to know that all child molesters are not strangers.  They can be anyone you know and trust, a friend of the family or a family member.  Someone that you would least suspect.  Child molesters prey on both boys and girls of all ages and anyone can become a victim.

    Manipulation is a tool that child molesters use to get you to let your guard down.  They are sly, patient and take full advantage of your innocence.  Their main goal is to gain your trust and they will act like your best friend.  They might allow you to do things that your parents or other adults will not allow, such as smoking, drinking, cussing, looking at pornography and drugs.  This person will offer these things to you to make you feel that you are grown up and accepted by him or her.  They want to make you feel comfortable so that you will tell them everything about yourself.  They will then use all the information that you gave them against you.  If you said you were having problems at home they will lead you into believing that your parents just don't understand you and don't care about you like he or she does.

    They will use all of your feelings and emotions to learn how they can control your thoughts and make you believe they are the only one in the world who understands what you are going through and that they are the only one who truly loves and cares for you.

    They may want to spend a lot of time alone with you, taking you places and buying you things.  All of this is part of their plan to make you their victim.  Not all child molesters use the same methods but they all have the same thing in mind, taking advantage of you sexually.

    In time they may start touching you, wanting you to sit on their lap or hugging you a lot.  If you are a girl, telling you how pretty you are, how grown up you look or if you were older he would like to marry you.  Everything that comes out of their mouth is something they think you want or need to hear so he can get one step closer to having his way with you.  If you are a boy then comments may be made about how manly you look or that you have such nice muscles.  He may even try to get you to expose yourself to show him how much of a man your are "down below."  So far I have talked about touching and hugging.  Next they might start asking for a kiss.  Hopefully by reading this you will know something is very wrong and you need to get away, NOW!

    Whenever you are put in a position like this and these things start happening and you start to feel uncomfortable in any way, it is time to run.  Do not give them a chance to talk you out of leaving.

    The next step is kind of scary but you have to do it.  You have to tell on this person, even if it is a friend or family member.  If you don't tell he will go after another innocent child who may not be so lucky.

    If you have not left yet he will continue until he gets what he wants.  He will try to get you to expose parts of your body to him.  He will be very friendly and sly in the way he does this so that he doesn't scare you.  He will keep reassuring you how much he cares about you and that he would never do anything to hurt you.  He might even expose himself to you to make you think it's okay.  At this time he may stop and wait until another day to pick up where he left off.  By doing this he is trying to reinforce your belief that he is not going to hurt you.  He is trying to maintain your trust and reinforce your belief that you are really something special to him.

    The next step is for him is to talk you into letting him touch you in places that you know he shouldn't.  He will do his best to convince you that it is alright.  Some child molesters stop here.  Looking at your naked body and fondling you is enough to fulfill their sick and perverted needs.  Others do not stop.  They will continue until they can convince or trick you into having sexual intercourse with them.  Some will stop if you don't give in, others will take you by force.  Regardless if you give in or are forced this is still rape.

    Some of you reading this may have already gone through this type of experience.  Others may currently be in the process.  Then there are those lucky ones who have not been assaulted.  Don't ever think that it can't happen to you.  Always be aware!  If it has already happened or is in the process of happening then read this closely.  You are being used, lied to and taken advantage of.  You may not realize it but you are being hurt in a way that will affect you the rest of your life.  No matter how he treats you, no matter what he tells you, you have to tell someone what he is doing or what he has done to you.  He is a sick man and needs help.  He may even be someone who you love.  That is even more reason for you to tell so he can get the professional help that he needs.  He will not and cannot stop this deviant behavior without it.  He will continue to hurt you or children like you.  I did not make up this story.  This is reality.  It happens to innocent children like you every day.

    This was my way of life.  I was a manipulator of children for my own sexual deviancies.  I cannot undo what I have done, take away my victim's pain or erase the affects that I have had on their lives.  Nor can I take away the pain that I inflicted on their families, loved ones and friends.

    One thing I can do is make children like you, your parents, and society aware of people such as I.  Trust your feelings.  If someone is doing something or acts in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable, tell someone and keep yourself safe at all times.

    If you have become a victim pay close attention to this.  Do not blame yourself or feel guilty in any way.  That is exactly what a manipulating molester wants you to feel by having you believe that you carry some of the blame for what happened.  He is more confident that you will not tell on him.  You are an innocent victim and you had no control over the situation.  You were tricked and manipulated.  He knew exactly what he was doing and how he was going to take advantage of you.  There is no way that you could know what was going on in his head.

    I said earlier that he was hurting you for life.  That is because all of the feelings you will continue to have, such as guilt, shame, betrayal, dirty, used, hurt and angry.  If you are a victim it is important for you to get into a treatment program to help you with all the trash that has been dumped upon you.  You will feel embarrassment, humiliation and most likely be hesitant about entering a treatment program.  You may be terrified at the thought of talking about your degrading experiences but be assured these programs are filled with victims just like you.  You will find that you have much in common.  You will learn to understand what happened to you and receive help in dealing with all your feelings.  Take care of yourself now.  You deserve a happy and healthy life, a life with a promising future.

    Don't ever be afraid to tell.  A child molester may make threats to scare you into keeping quiet but don't be afraid.  Once you tell he will never be able to hurt you again.  Also, if it is a loved one doing this, you have to tell to get him help so that he will be able to stop his bad behavior.  Pray for them.  He will be taken away for a while so he can get help.  But with your prayers God can change his thinking, his actions and fill him with love, appropriate love.  Then God will send back to you a new man and believe me he will thank you for it because your courage and love for him is what gave him his life back.

    Without prayer I'd still be a manipulating child molester.  God created a new man out of me.  He will be happy to answer your prayer.  Also, pray for yourself that God will see you through.  Know that I will always be praying for you.

STOPPING THE MOLESTATION

The first step in stopping sexual abuse is to tell.  They should not have to be expected to prove what they are saying is true.  Your role as a parent, teacher, counselor, minister, friend or someone who this child has put his trust into is to listen patiently and demonstrate your love, care, concern and compassion.

    Listen closely to everything that is being said.  Speak gently.  Ask questions so that you get all the important details.  Never speak in a doubting manner.  The last thing you want is for the child to feel you do not believe what she is saying or she may shut down completely.  Allow her to see and feel your concern and love for her.  She has experienced a child's worst nightmare, worse than any imagined boogie man.

    She has been violated, subjected to behaviors, feelings, confusing thoughts, sensations of the body she never knew existed.  Exposed to body parts of her perpetrator she has probably never seen on anyone.  Then possibly manipulated into touching it or performing acts upon it which totally blew her mind.

    She has had hands touching her in places that are forbidden.  She has been forced from childhood into adulthood in a matter of seconds, not understanding anything that was happening to her.  It is important that you gather all the information you can before calling the police.  This child has been through a horrible, devastating experience.  He or she trusted you to help them and they may not feel the same trust for the police or D.C.F.S.  Everything that they told you is very important so relay it to authorities.  This will make it easier for the authorities to question the child with the least amount of stress put upon them.

    By no means confront the accused about this before calling the police.  It doesn't matter if it's your husband, your brother, your father or one of your best friends.  Your only obligation is to protecting that child.  They have been through enough.  The last thing they need is to defend themselves in front of the perpetrator or be called a liar about the situation.

    There have been known cases that a child has made a false accusation against someone out of anger, revenge or just trying to hurt someone.  These cases are very rare.  You should never try to make that decision through your own investigation.  Leave it to the people who do this sort of thing for a living, the professionals.

    For you that have gone through his terrifying ordeal or one day find yourself facing it, the most important thing you can do is tell what is going on.  Don't wait until it gets to the point you have actually had pain inflicted upon you.  Some child molesters do not want to cause you physical pain.  They are too afraid that if they do, you will tell.  So they touch you in ways that feel strange yet good at the same time.  By doing so they confuse you even more because you know they shouldn't be doing things like this to you.  But your body is telling your brain it feels good so how bad can it be?  Your body is being used and your mind is being raped.  Do not allow this person to rape your mind or defile your body.  You owe it to yourself to tell someone.  If you feel in the slightest way it's wrong, then it is.  Do not fall into their trap.

    Parents, relatives, school teachers and friends, watch for any type of behavioral changes in the child you care about.  Isolation, depression, mood swings, changes in temperament, hygiene, physical appearance, grooming, lack of interest in things they used to love.  Be alert for their attachment to a certain person meaning that the child wants to go somewhere with them, clinging to them, hugging or kissing.  You would think a child being molested would keep their distance from their molester.  Some do!  Watch for this sudden change.  But some also tend to be drawn to their molester, mainly out of fear.  They want to please this person with the hopes that he will stop hurting them.

MOLESTERS ARE SICK PEOPLE - TREAT THE OFFENDER AND STOP THE ABUSE

    AS I have said before, society looks at a child molester as a sick pervert and with good cause.  But they key word that they are overlooking is sick.  What they do is perverted, no doubt about it.  But to do the things they do they have so be sick.  In my therapy program we have a Victim Awareness Day every three months.  This day is set aside to reflect only on our victims.  Our core issues are pushed aside for us to take a good look at how we have hurt our victims.  We try to put ourselves in their shoes to feel the effects of what we have done to them.

    Many offenders write about their victims again putting their selves in their victim's shoes.  They start describing what was going on with them before they molested their victim.  They do not justify or minimize their actions so that the rest of us know where their mind was.  Never in all the years that I have been here have I heard anyone of these men say they just woke up one morning and decided to start molesting children.

    Child molestation is a sickness.  It's like your brain short circuiting.  Some, but not all, were molested as children and that does play a big role.  Some just can't handle the pressures that come with being a responsible adult.  Others are mentally handicapped and have the mind of a child living inside the body of an adult.  With therapy, even these men can change their way of thinking and their behavior.

    The way to treat a child molester is discover all of his core issues no matter how small that led to his behavior and get those issues resolved.  They can start from any point in their lives although it usually begins in their childhood.  A list of a person's core issues can be so long it would take a book to record them all.  They can be as simple as feeling unloved to being abused to having their nose rubbed in the sheets if they were a bed wetter.

    Some issues cannot easily be resolved.  Resolution might call for forgiveness.  They learn how to forgive, but something may happen that triggers the same issue again.  They then have to forgive again and this may go on for the rest of their lives.  Once they have started resolving their issues they become more open and honest with themselves and others.  They are more open to feedback and can come out of denial and start taking a good look at themselves.

    Victim empathy groups teach them how to feel again, something that many had given up doing a long time ago through drugs and alcohol.  Also they learn how to feel for their victims by trading places and putting themselves in their victim's shoes.  They learn Three, Four and Six Stage Assault Cycles and how to get in touch with their "inner child" and comfort him.  Also through therapy groups they learn about their Victim - Perpetrator Cycle, Social Skills, Substance Abuse and Anger Management.  In Relapse Prevention Group offenders are taught the skills needed to live a happy, healthy and victim free life.  It consists of many things but I will mention two: High Risk Factors and Interventions.  All factors are important but when you truly know these two in addition to all your other knowledge you will have a very good chance in life.  I have to add this, the Bible says that you need a good foundation to "withstand the storm."  If you
do not put everything into your foundation, including God, you will be like the house built on sand and washed away in "the storm."  Your foundation is your therapy.  You must practice everything that you have learned for the rest of your life.  God has given you a second chance.  Now the choice is yours.

    Most offenders want to stop.  They all know what they are doing is wrong.  Each time after offending they feel a false sense of guilt and remorse, even shame.  But it will last only until the next time an occasion arises.  They will tell themselves the "I'm never going to do this again, I promise!"  The truth is that they lost or gave up control the first time they offended.  Personally, being a child molester myself, I do not believe an offender can stop without intensive therapy.

    Until a child molester gets into therapy there is no way he can realize the amount of damage that he has done to his victims.  I sat in my cell one day just killing time and started making a list of the effects I had on my victims.  Within an hour or so I had come up with two hundred.

    Molesters who never penetrate their victims in any way have the misconception they are not as bad as other molesters who did.  They feel that since they caused no pain that they did not hurt their victims.  This is part of the denial.  The truth of the matter is, they inflicted more damage on their victims than if they would have actually raped them.  Although it was not a physical rape it was a mental rape.  At least if it was physical the victim would know it was not their fault, it was forced upon them and there was nothing they could do.  By raping the child's mind they are always going to carry some blame.  They will think that they could have tried to stop him but didn't and their body may have responded to the offender's touch.  Physically it may have felt good.

    I believe this is the worst kind of rape.  The offender has scarred the mind of a child for life.  Their chances of a happy and healthy life have been cut down very low.  They feel a need to be forgiven, yet they've done nothing wrong to be forgiven for.  This is what I did.  If it wasn't for God's forgiveness I could not live with myself.  I pray everyday that God will give my victims peace of mind.

TREATMENT FOR THE VICTIM

    Professionals who deal with child victims of sexual abuse will tell you how important it is to get that child into therapy but they can't force it upon you.  You may say that "I just can't afford it."  Well there are agencies that do cover the costs.  It might take a few phone calls but what is a child's life and future worth?  I myself would start with D.C.F.S. and they should be able to direct you to the right place.

    Some parents have said that "we will deal with it ourselves within the family."  This is a mistake, believe me.  Family is very important during this period because the love and support and understanding does help speed up the recovery process.  But the child needs professional help to deal with the things going on inside of them.  Things that there is no way that you can understand unless you've been there yourself or been trained in this field.

    You may believe if your child is young, three, four or somewhere in that area, that they will forget it and it will just fade away from their memory.  We have men in here in their fifties and sixties who still remember being molested at that young age.  Without therapy all these thoughts and feelings became distorted which lead to their distorted and inappropriate behaviors.  A few inappropriate behaviors being: using sex as a way of acceptance, turning to prostitution, drugs, alcohol, hurting themselves or others, unruly behaviors, low grades in school, dropping out of school, attempted suicide or becoming a molester.  Through therapy they will learn to deal with their feelings and emotions in a proper way.

    Therapy will instill in them the reality that none of the things that happened to them was their fault.  Up until a year ago I blamed myself for what my stepbrothers did to me.  Remember, it happened to me from the ages of nine to fifteen and I am now forty seven.  I blamed myself for 38 years.  You cannot afford to let this happen to your child.  They are innocent victims of a sick individual.  Do not allow them to carry the burden or pay the price for something they had no control over.

    Your child may be the one that does not want to go to therapy and you as a parent may feel that they have already been through enough and decide that you won't force them to go.  This is the time that as a parent you must demonstrate tough love towards your child and make them go.  You feel they have been through so much already and you do not want them to have to endure anymore.  Which would you rather happen, make them go through therapy and give them back their life with a bright future or visiting them in jail or the morgue or worrying every day about their welfare for the rest of their life?

BECOMING A SURVIVOR

    Becoming a survivor takes strength, courage, will and a belief in yourself.  You started becoming a survivor the day that you told someone what was being done to you.  That took guts and you should be very proud of yourself.  The next step was talking to the police and DCFS.  What you went through is very hard to talk about.  It is embarrassing, humiliating and brings back things that you would rather forget.  It also makes you feel dirty because filthy hands were touching you.  Now there are two more steps.  One, no matter how much you hate the idea you have to get into therapy.  This is the way that you will get help to sort everything out so you can put your life back together.  This is where the belief in yourself comes in.  You have to tell yourself "I can do this, I am worth it and no one takes my life from me."  Be tough and hang in there.  The second thing is Jesus Christ.  If you put your life in His hands and allow Him to guide you then your life will be filled with blessings and your nightmares will be gone.

    My personal story of how I overcame the horror of my own abuse is short but very powerful.  It was so simple.  After I quit blaming God and accepted my own responsibility, God gave revelations along with a purpose and goals to achieve.  One thing He said to me was "failure is an action, not the person."  All my life I had considered myself a failure but not in God's eyes.  I believed that I was saved.  God let me know I was not!  Why?  Because I believed there was a God, I believed that Jesus was his Son and He died on the cross for my sins.  I also invited Jesus into my heart.  I believed that was all that was necessary.  God revealed to me that this is not what His word says.  John 3:16 For whosoever believeth IN me shall not perish but have everlasting life.  Even a devil worshipper believes that there is a God.  That's all I was doing, believing there was a God.  Now I believe IN God, His power, His glory, His love and most of all, His word.  I am told there is no cure for being a child molester.  Well, the devil can make them believe whatever they want. I AM cured.  I am cured by the word of God.  In my heart he tells me I am, so I am.  I am a survivor because God pulled me out of the mucky water, rinsed me off and put me to shore to be His servant.  My nightmare is over.  I may still be in prison but I am free, more then ever before in my life.

    I do want you to know I did not write this to preach about God.  I did it to help teach children and parents about what to be aware and to give some understanding to a child molester's way of thinking.  Hopefully something I have written will help prevent or stop the molestation of a child.  That is my purpose.  But I can't write this without the One guiding my hand and putting the words in my head.  That is my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.  He put me in here to learn how to love and care for others.  He has given me a conscience, a new heart and a new mind.  I still have the same old worn out body but one day I'll have a new one of those too.

    Being a survivor is not just becoming tough and stuffing your thoughts, feelings and then living your life in a pretend normal stage.  If this is what you are trying to do then all you are really doing is existing, if even that.  You have no life of your own because the person who perpetrated on you will always have a hold on you.  You may go for long periods of time and not even think about it.  But one day something will happen that will trigger you, and your mind will return to that place and time.  Then you will relive it all over again.

    God showed me how to be a survivor by doing something that I thought I could never do.  He showed me how to forgive my stepbrothers and let it go.  When I was finally able to do this, along with it came empathy for them.  You see, I never once stopped to think what their childhood was like.  Maybe they had been molested and in turn passed it on to me.  I do know this.  Once I forgave them and let it go I knew God had forgiven me and let it go.  The burdens of my heart were lifted away.

GOD'S GRACE AND FORGIVENESS

    Without the grace of God and His forgiveness, I do believe this is where I was meant to die.  But God had mercy on me.  Not that I deserved it by any means.  I do believe, however, it was due to the prayers of my mother, Vern and Lila Findley and my first and only love, Linda.  I will be leaving this place soon and not in a body bag like I had thought.

    I made a promise to God that when I got out of here I would serve Him in a way that I felt could be effective.  He had spoken to me and said "Help my little children."  So I will do that the only way I know how, by setting myself out to the world that I myself was a child molester and was saved by the grace of God and the blood of His Son, Jesus.  I want to go to churches, seminars, school assemblies (if allowed), TV talk shows or any place and every place that I can share with children, parents and society everything I can about child molesters.  How they operate, manipulate, gain access to their victims,
what they look for in a victim and anything I can.  I even wrote the Montel Williams show asking to come on his program for this reason.  I never got a response but if God wants me there Montel doesn't have much of a choice.

    I know how society feels about child molesters.  I also know how Montel feels as he doesn't pull any punches.  That is why I chose his show, so both he and his guests could ask their questions and get straight forward answers.  I have nothing to hide any longer.  If answering questions makes me look like a sick, perverted no good excuse for a man then so be it.  I can deal with that if it may help even one child from being abused.  No one could possibly say or do anything to me any worse that what I have done to my victims.  I owe them the rest of my life as I stole theirs.  If I can save one child the credit will go to God and my victims.  God, for taking me from Hell to Glory, and my victims for everything they endured not knowing that their pain and suffering would one day save the lives of many children like them.

    I do not feel worthy of another chance at life because of all the lives that I destroyed.  But God has seen fit to give me another chance even if society doesn't.  I am trusting Him to clear the path for me, open doors, soften hearts and remove the blinders from people's eyes so that they can see His light shining through me.  I believe that God is going to release me from here this year as soon as I go to court.  I did not try to make a deal with God as some people do.  I just told Him what I was going to do once he releases me.  I am very anxious, not only for my freedom, but to get started as more
and more children are being subjected to sexual abuse everyday.  God knows my heart and my mind.  He knows that I am no longer a danger to society.  He ought to know, He's the one that transformed me into what I am today.  I can really be an asset to society.

    Satan needs to watch out because his days are coming to an end.  Yes I said child molesters are sick and they are.  They have weaknesses and flaws.  Satan jumps right in there to lure them to the road of destruction, destroying all those children's lives along the way.  He has got to be stopped and anyone of you reading this can help through prayer and rehab centers for offenders and victims.

    If society would put more effort into the rehabilitation of sex offenders instead of all the money they spend to lock them away in prison, it would cost less and make your children and their children's children much safer.  What we need are more offenders speaking out about this sickness so those that are still molesting will find it very hard to hide or get away with what they are doing.

    If you send an offender to prison he will have a certain amount of time to do and then he will be released.  Chances are 99.9% he will reoffend within the first year.  If new laws were passed that made therapy mandatory before release then that percentage would probably be cut to less than half of that.  This is my guess.  There are many things that you as an individual or as a group, such as churches banding together, PTA groups, Boards of Education, D.C.F.S.  The places are unlimited.  The only way to stop abuse is to treat the abuser.  They cannot stop on their own as Satan has a grip on them.  Prison alone will not stop them.  I know because I am talking from experience.  I have done two years and nine months in prison for molesting several children.  I am sitting here now, three years after I got out because I did it again.  Why?  Because I had never taken care of the things that led me to do it the first time.

    One thing that I am not doing is seeking pity for child molesters.  Sick or not they knew that what they were doing was wrong and still they went ahead and chose to do it.  Their sentence should fit the crime.  All I am trying to do is in some way get you to understand they are sick and need intensive therapy.  No man in his right mind would get sexually aroused by a child, have sexual contact with is own child or anyone young enough to be his child.

    You, as part of society, can gather your communities together, contact your lawmakers and demand that therapy be a condition before the release of any sex offender.  Your tax dollars are being used in many less important ways.  Demand that they be used to keep your children safe.  The current way does not work.

MYTHS AND TRUTHS

Myth A child molester is a dirty old man waiting in the shadows to snatch up a child.
Truth Child molesters are usually people whom you trust with your children.  Loved ones such as family members, friends, school teachers, ministers, scout leaders and people from all areas of society.
   
Myth Children are safe as long as they are taught to stay away from strangers and know about inappropriate touching.
Truth Most children are not molested by strangers and most molestation occurs through manipulation.
   
Myth Children are fully informed by parents and schools about child molesters.
Truth Child molesters are sly and patient.  They groom, manipulate and gain their victim's trust before making their advances.  Child molesters do not come with a stamp on their foreheads that says "Beware, Child Molester."  Parents must be aware of any behavior that seems odd concerning their children.
   
Myth All child molesters threaten and scare their victims into keeping what he has done a secret.
Truth Most molesters pick out children who seem needy, wanting love, affection and attention.  They give them all these things to befriend them and gain their trust and affection.  These children are manipulated into thinking they are loved by the offender and that he would do nothing to hurt them.  They are manipulated into thinking this is what they want to do, not realizing they are being used for the offender's deviant pleasures.
   
Myth Some children want to have sex with an older man.
Truth A child is a child.  They do not have the mental capability to make such decisions.  If they want to do this then chances are that they have already been molested and their mind is messed up.
   
Myth There is nothing that can be done for a child molester but to lock him away from society.
Truth Although it is said that there is no cure for a child molester there are very effective intensive therapy programs.  If the offender is serious about wanting to stop and wants help to do so, he is very much less likely to reoffend than one who has been sent to prison, done his time and then been released.
   
Myth Offenders are sickos, perverts and the scum of society.
Truth Yes, offenders are sick.  It is a mental illness that can be treated.  Through treatment they can become a healthy person and be an asset to society.  They have to learn a lifestyle that will keep both them and children safe.  They learn high risk factors, interventions and many other ways to deal with their illness.  If they are truly remorseful, ashamed of what they have done and have gained empathy for their victims, they can lead a normal and victim free life.
   
Myth Prison is the only way to deal with a sex offender.
Truth Secure treatment facilities with intensive therapy programs are needed most.  Prison does not change a person or prepare him to reenter society.  If anything they become more bitter and are likely to reoffend when released.  They have committed a crime and should be given some type of punishment but therapy must be included before they reenter society.  The offender has to want to change or else it is a waste of time.  Regular evaluations are needed to monitor their progress before they are released.
   
Myth A sex offender can stop on his own whenever he wants.
Truth An offender lost his control the first time he offended and will not regain it until he seeks the therapy he needs to get to the core issues that led him to offending in the first place.
   
Myth Once an offender goes through therapy he does not have to worry about reoffending.  He is safe to drink, do drugs, be around children, etc.
Truth A sex offender learns that he must always be aware of his surroundings including the people around him.  He must always remember who he is, what he's done and what he is capable of doing.  Alcohol and drugs are a definite no-no.
   
Myth Only offenders with multiple victims are sexually dangerous people.
Truth One victim, even one inappropriate touch makes that person sexually dangerous.  If he has offended once then the chances are very high that he will do it again.

EFFECTS SEXUAL ABUSE HAS UPON CHILDREN

Confusion Shame
Betrayal Guilt
Betrayal of own body Feeling unloved
Self blame Feeling unwanted
Worthlessness Inadequate
Low self esteem and self worth Scared
Feel dirty Afraid to tell
Feel used Mentally, emotionally scarred
Dehumanized Resentful
Abnormal sexual behaviors Hateful
Trust Issues Withdrawn from others
Loneliness Sexual identity problems
Isolation Manhood issues
Drugs Lack of caring
Alcohol Lack of compassion
Withdrawn into self Problems parenting
No purpose in life Discipline problems in school
Hurt Grades drop
Nightmares Homework undone
Prostitution Unfocussed and wandering mind
Searching for love through sex Behavioral problems at home
Believing that love equals sex Rebellion
Inappropriate relationships Gives up on everything
Abusive to partners Shuts down mentally
Lack of self respect Stuffs feelings
Emptiness Anger and rage
Breaks laws Ignores personal hygiene
Attempts suicide Desperate need for therapy
Embarrassment Physically fights with siblings
Humiliation Fights with peers
Belittled Victimizes others
Heartbroken Blames God
Bewildered Holds resentments
Asking "why me?" Physically hurts others
Terrified Feels discounted
Afraid to be alone Loses self control
Devastated Loss of innocence
Does not trust anyone to tell Loses will to try
Cries a lot Loses love for life and for self
Very sensitive Loses hope
Mood swings Dreams disappear - world is black
Afraid of certain people Loses purpose
Does not want to be touched Feel they deserve to be hurt
Sees no future, sets no goals Feel weak and helpless
Nothing matters Smiles disappear
Feels dead inside Forced to face this tragedy
Emotionless Forced to grow up too fast
Runs away from home Childhood is lost forever
Disobedient Feel they have been ripped off
Mouthy Feels it is unfair
Disrespectful Feels cheated
Defiant Feels vengeful
Sleeps a lot - no energy Self abuse
Confused about love Self destruction
Believes that love hurts Search for belonging
Overeating Abuse pets
Sleeplessness Destroys things
Appetite loss Throws tantrums
No self confidence Lying
Uncontrollable sadness Turns to pornography
Feeling lost - hollow Sexually abuses other children
Disobeys parents Minimize - trying to forget
Breaking household rules Becomes violent
Feeling miserable Uses foul language
Sibling quarrels Feels disposable
Withdraws from best friends Inappropriate dressing
Restlessness May become a molester
Anxiety May end up in prison
Lack of childhood interests Become dysfunctional
Confusion about own body Unable to keep employment
Unsure about body sensations Marital problems
Relives abuse over and over Inadequate feelings in bedroom
Masturbation Bad parenting skills
Inappropriate sexual behaviors Unable to accept unconditional love
Uses sex to get things Unable to feel or show love
Uses sex for acceptance Problems expressing feelings
Neglects household chores Unable to accept affirmations
Loss of identity Feeling they won't amount to anything
Despises own body Feels they cannot breathe
Believes that sex is dirty Feels the pressure of his body
Relates love making to abuse Relives the pain of penetration
No ambition Blames parents
Gets stuck in self pity Pretends normal
Loses faith in God Falls in love with perpetrator
Feels singled out Feels everyone is staring at them
Feels ruined for life Feels everyone knows
Loses all sense of reality Feels they disgraced their family
Afraid to go outside Tries to be strong
Afraid of noises Lives in a fantasy world
Always suspicious Regresses mentally
Very jumpy Feels a false maturity
Overly cautious Grows up too quick
Suspects everyone to hurt him Refuses help
Does not respond to therapy Distorted thinking
Afraid to talk about it Afraid of the dark
Deviant fantasies Wishes offender dead
Keeps seeing molester's face Scared of own shadow
Afraid he will come back Afraid for self and family
Keeps feeling offender's touch Senses his body smell
Senses offender's breath Can taste his mouth
Can still feel his facial hair  

MY GOALS

1. To receive some sort of education or experience in sex offender counseling and help them see the devastating damage they have caused, the pain they inflicted and lead them to recovery.
   
2. To start up a hotline for sex offenders who want to stop and convince them to turn themselves in for themselves and their victim's sake.
   
3. To try and open the eyes of offenders to the life long effects they have upon their victims.
   
4. To convince sex offenders they cannot stop on their own and that they need professional treatment to regain a normal and healthy life.
   
5. To get across to offenders that what they are doing to their victims is much more important than their position in society, holding onto a marriage, worrying about going to prison or what people will think about them.  Children's lives are at stake.
   
6. To make parents aware of ways they can help prevent the abuse of their child by fulfilling the child's need for love, acceptance, affection, self worth and making them aware of the dangers they may one day face.
   
7. To try and help society understand child molesters and that it is a sickness that can be effectively treated.  We must stop the abuse.
   
8. To spread the word that prison alone will not help.  Sex offender programs are needed now more than ever.  Without treatment before release, the offender most likely will get out to offend again.
   
9. To get closely involved in A.A.  I want to share my life story with them and give examples of how every negative thing that has happened in my life can be contributed to the choice that I made to drink.
   
10. To keep my promise to God and do everything in my power, and the power He gives me, to prevent and stop the sexual abuse of His little children.
   
11.  
   
12. Create a pamphlet about manipulation for children of all ages and have them distributed in schools, churches and even arcades.  Children have to be warned to be aware.
   
13. To give all I can, in any way that I can, to make a difference and to ensure that there be no more victims.
   
14. Visit men awaiting trial for sexual abuse cases in county jails and share with them everything that I know with the hope that they will ask the court for help and not put their victims through the humiliation of a court proceeding.
   
15. To take everything I've learned and give back to society.  I cannot redeem myself, undo what I've done nor take away all the trash I dumped on my victims.  I can use what I have learned to help prevent others from becoming victims or making victims.
   
16. To make awareness my biggest goal and to help stop the pain women and children are enduring because of people like me.
   
17. To give my testimony in churches by addressing both sex offenders and alcoholics.
   
18. To follow God's purpose for my life: To save as many of His children as I can, to dedicate my life to this cause.  I will not hide in the shadows hoping that no one finds out who or what I am.  I want to be known. I want Satan to know that God is going to make him let go of His children.  Also, I want all sex offenders to hear about me, either to stand up and share in this cause or know I am setting them out to the world.

CLOSING REMARKS

    As I mentioned earlier I've been told there's no cure for a child molester being that I will always have the potential to do it again.  I may be wrong but I believe everyone has the potential to become anything.  A child molester, alcoholic, drug abuser, thief, reckless driver, spouse beater, murderer, cheater, liar, anything negative or we can turn it around and list positive things that people have the potential to become.  It all comes down to one thing and that is choice.  It's totally up to that person what they want out of life.

    This goes for sex offenders, victims or anyone else who has had a devastating experience in life.  You have the power and you have the control.  You do not have to give this up and feel like you have nothing.  Most molesters have been badly at sometime or another in their life.  That did not give them the right to steal something from your life.  Now they have to choose if they want to remain in self pity and take it out on others or choose to get help and take back the power and control of his life.  You, as a victim, have to make a choice, too.  Are you going to let him get away with what he did to you or are you going to speak out and stop him in his tracks.  Do not give him the chance to hurt anyone else.  Take back the power and control and you make the decisions in your life.  Exposing him gives you the power.

    If you are reading this and realize that you have had deviant sexual thoughts about a child, or have started to objectify or had feelings of desire, then it is time right now for you to get professional counseling.  Not only will you be saving your life, but the lives of your family, friends and loved ones.  You would also be saving your marriage, job, reputation and yourself from a life of shame, guilt and remorse.  Most importantly you would be saving a potential victim.

    Counseling is confidential unless you have already committed a crime or someone is in danger by staying with you.  As embarrassing as it is to open up to a stranger about deviant sexual thoughts or desires consider the alternative, name in the newspaper stating you committed a sexual crime and created a victim.  Not only have you destroyed a person's life, you have thrown yours away.  Along with wife, children, relatives, friends, job, home, freedom.  Sensing something is wrong and dealing with it before you hurt anybody will be the wisest decision of your life.

    Remember this, with Christ you put on the armor of God and through therapy God gives you a new armor to wear, the armor of knowledge.

DO I FEEL I'M STILL SEXUALLY DANGEROUS?

    I have searched my mind, my soul and my heart and the answer would have to be no.  Although I must always keep in mind I have the potential to reoffend, by using the tools I've learned in therapy such as interventions, high risk factors, triggers and cues, coping responses, etc., I believe that I can live a healthy life in society.  I have set goals for my future and have decided to dedicate my life to educating society about sex offenders.  I plan on going back to school to get an education in counseling sex offenders.  I plan to speak wherever I can to make parents and children aware of people such as myself.  There are so many things that society is not aware of about sex offenders and victims.  I have insight because I am both.  My main purpose is to save the innocent children of the world.  But in doing so we have to figure out ways to treat the offender.  More treatment centers, halfway houses for therapy for both the victims and the offenders.  Everything goes hand in hand.  In order to stop the creation of victims we have to treat the victimizer.  Prison alone will not work.  Once their time is up they have a high chance to reoffend without treatment.  This is my mission, my goal, my destiny.  It is what I know I have to do, my purpose in life.  If I can save one child or help rehabilitate one offender I'll know my life had a purpose.

SUGGESTED SURVEY

    Our government conducts many surveys of many different things that are really of not much importance.  I suggest people request a survey be done concerning victims of child abuse.  I think society would be very surprised at the outcome.

    This survey could be done throughout the Unites States Department of Corrections to find out just how many convicted criminals were victims of abuse as a child.  Sexual abuse, physical abuse, emotional abuse and mental abuse.

    I feel a survey such as this would bring light to the overpopulation of prisons today and how important treatment is for children today being abused, or have been.

    Not all children of sexual abuse become sex offenders.  Not all that have suffered the other abuses become those kind of abusers.  But without treatment many turn elsewhere to relieve their pain.  Violence, alcohol, drugs, prostitution, theft to pay for their addictions, murder, the list goes on and on.

    with this survey we can start treating the problem where it begins, at home.  Get the abuser, whether it be a parent, relative or outsider, into treatment to stop their part and focus on the child right away to deal with their abuse so they have a chance at a normal healthy life.  Instead of ending up in a place such as I am now, a prison.  Our government needs to expand their research into what's causing all the criminal activity in the world today and put the money into fixing it rather than keep building prisons to put these people who most likely are victims themselves.  That could have been helped if treated when their abuse happened.  Make your voice and your prayers count for something.  It may be too late for some, but it's not too late for yours or other's children.  Let's make our government work for us and use tax dollars to help solve the problem by helping the children.

Footnote:

When I say too late for some I'm referring to them already being in prison. Not that it's too late to change and become a healthy person, and it's never too late for prayer

    Here is something I received off the Internet which can be very helpful for any victim to become a survivor.

HOLD YOUR HEAD HIGH

Standing for what you believe in regardless of the odds against you and the pressure that tears at your resistance is COURAGE.

Keeping a smile on your face when inside you feel like dying, for the sake of supporting others is STRENGTH.

Stopping at nothing and doing what is in your heart that you know is right is DETERMINATION.

Helping a friend in need, no matter the time or effort, to the best of your ability is LOYALTY.

Holding your head high and being the best you know you can be when life seems to fall apart at your feet and facing each difficulty with the confidence that time will bring you better tomorrows and never giving up is CONFIDENCE.

FOLLOW-UP NOTATION

As I finished this packet I received a letter informing me my stepbrother had passed away.  He was my molester, yet at one time he was my closest friend.  I've decided to continue on with this and share my confusion and grieving process with you.

INNER FEELINGS OF A VICTIM

A look into how you as a victim of incest or sexual abuse by a loved one would act, feel and respond to the death of your offender.

Sometimes what has happened overcomes you with hate.  Yet not understanding your feelings you debate "was it me, my actions?  Was there something I had done or was it just a sick pervert out for his deviant fun?"  You are lost for an answer so you ask God above was he out to hurt me or showing me love through hurt and confusion?  Still, this was wrong in your head.  Does the hate disappear now that you know that he is dead?

As a victim of rape and sexual abuse by my stepbrother from ages 9 to 15 I became a molester myself.  Today I am faced with these questions as I just found out that my stepbrother, my molester has died.  Within these pages I am going to attempt to work through my own confusion with the hopes of being able to get a better awareness of how my victims would respond to my death and maybe help you discover if your feelings are really hate or disappointment, hurt, disgust or betrayal.  Hate is like a cancer as it keeps eating away at you.

CONFUSION

One thing is for sure after the experience you've went through recently or in the past, you are still full of confusion.

There are so many unresolved feelings and emotions and unanswered questions.  Each day of your life there are probably some reminders of the devastation that you endured.  You ask yourself why?  What did I do to deserve this?  How could this happen
to me?  I thought they loved me?  How could they betray me like this?  he never ending feelings of hurt, betrayal, sadness, loss, degradation, violation, used, worthlessness, dirty, ruined.  Never understanding, always asking yourself, why?  Why?  Why?  You loved the person who offended you.  It may have been a parent, relative, family friend or someone you just really felt close to.  You mayor may not have had contact with them since they hurt you.  Either way I am sure you stuffed the feelings you were having.  You have found a way to cope, hopefully in a positive way and became a survivor.  Still you may have gone in a negative direction, using drugs or alcohol, degrading your own body through prostitution or meaningless affairs, searching to fill your void.  Now you find out the person you once loved and trusted, the one who betrayed you has died.  The confusion seems twice as bad.  You feel the old love, the hate, the hurt.  Can you forgive?

LOVE

Love is a gift offered freely.  It is the most special gift a person can give of themself.  But sometimes it is taken for granted or used against you.  Some people don't know how to express love.  When you think of the person you loved that molested you, do you remember ever feeling loved by them?  If so, then it is very possible they did love you very much but did not know how to express it in an appropriate manner.  I can say this because I love all four of my children, which I molested, with all my heart and soul.  Yet, I didn't know how to express it in any way other that how I had been taught by my molester.  To me at that time, love equaled sex.  Now I can see how wrong my thinking was and can love unconditionally.  Sex plays no part in loving your children as I found out too late.  My children have disowned me with good cause but I will still go to my grave loving them.  I loved my stepbrother the whole time he was molesting me.  I wanted his love, his acceptance and was willing to do whatever he wanted to get it.  Now that he is gone I ask myself did he ever love me like a brother or was he just using me for his deviant sexual pleasure all the time?  Since I know how I felt and still feel about my own children, even though I know I tore their worlds apart, I choose to believe my stepbrother did love me like a brother and he had that same mental defect that love equals sex.

HATE

Hate is a very powerful feeling but it can be devastating to you.  Hate eats you up inside like a cancer.  It tends to grow stronger and stronger.  It can take over your life, lead you down a road you don't want to go.  I'm not saying you don't have a right to hate what happened to you and the things you were put through, but for you to live the life God has planned for you, you can't carry hate for another person in your life.

I have fourteen innocent victims, including four of my children.  I know they have no use for me, never want to see me again and wish they could wash the memory of me out of their minds.  All this is very understandable.  I just pray that none of them are carrying hate in their heart towards me.  If they are then they are continuing to destroy their own lives and I have already destroyed them enough.  When you carry hate in your heart for your perpetrator you are allowing him to control your life still.  Continuing to carry hate can also have a controlling effect on the direction you choose to take in life.  If you are really honest with yourself and you truly loved the person who hurt you, the chances are that you still do.  Sure you hate what they did, you hate the way they made you feel.  You hate that they used your love against you.  But if you loved them you can see they are sick and in need of help.

HURT

Here is the big one.  How do you ever get over the hurt of someone you love taking advantage of you in such a way?  Being from both sides of the fence I have to be honest and say I don't think you ever do entirely.  Face it, no matter how you look at it you were being used.  True enough this person, such as myself, may have some very deep rooted issues that contributed to their behavior.  But it does not justify what they did to you in any way.  All it shows is they are in need of intensive therapy.  You have every right to feel hurt, even if you have decided to forgive.  I am still hurt by the things my stepbrother (did to me all those years ago.)

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